apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
