Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
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He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
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Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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