By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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