He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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