Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
