he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
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You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
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Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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