Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
