I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
