I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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