my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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