Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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