hotel room ftw
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
