I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
