Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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