I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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