He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
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He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
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I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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