Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
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he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
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I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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