I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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