the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
