Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
