I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
