she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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