I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
