It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
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I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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