girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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