$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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