life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
