just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize