He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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