Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
