I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
