So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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