I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
