Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
