Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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