i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
