I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you had me at cake vodka
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
