I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
