I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
