why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I am midnight drunk by noon
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
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I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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