You smell like stripper and shame
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
