she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
operation harelip BJ is a go
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
