The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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