So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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