So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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