A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
