Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
