i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
