u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
not ubering you a puppy
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
