onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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