Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
