I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
