ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
