wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
