my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
