someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I will be naked everywhere
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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