wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
