found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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