so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
