either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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