Kiss
Puke
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
