PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
And then he peed in my hair
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