i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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